It is Sunday afternoon. The inbox is clear, the kids are occupied, nothing is on fire. And instead of relaxing, something starts to itch. You feel restless, a little flat, a little uneasy. So you check email “just to get ahead,” or start a project, or find something that suddenly needs fixing. Within ten minutes you feel better.
If you know that feeling, it is worth asking whether the work is really about the work.
Ambition or Avoidance?
Working hard is not a problem. Work can be meaningful, and being good at your job feels good. The question is what you are getting out of it, and what happens when it stops.
A few questions that help sort it out:
How do you feel when the schedule clears? Rested and relieved, or on edge and empty?
Can you take a vacation without checking in? Or does the trip feel like something to get through until you are working again?
Does the work ramp up when something hard is going on? A loss, a fight at home, a stretch where you feel low and do not know why.
When someone close to you says you are never around, what is your first move? Do you hear them, or do you explain why the work is necessary?
One way to think about it is whether you are running toward something you want or away from something you would rather not feel. Plenty of men are doing both at once.
The Coping Strategy Everybody Applauds
Overworking is one of the only ways of handling stress that gets rewarded. Nobody stages an intervention because you landed a promotion. People congratulate you, your boss notices, and the paycheck grows. So it never gets looked at.
A lot of men also learned early that feelings, conflict, and rest were signs of weakness. Staying productive was the safe move. Keep busy and you never have to sit with the anxiety, the shame, the grief, or the loneliness that is hanging around underneath. Work gives your mind something else to chew on.
What Happens When Things Slow Down
The trouble shows up when the busyness stops. A long weekend, a vacation, a layoff, an injury, retirement. The list clears, and whatever you have been outrunning finally has room to catch up. It can feel like restlessness, an empty pit in your stomach, irritability, or a low hum of dread you cannot explain.
It feels bad enough that most men do the same thing: get back to work. That is why a break can leave you feeling worse than before it started, and why a job loss or retirement can hit so hard. The tool you have been leaning on is gone.
What It Costs
It costs you in ways that are easy to miss because the work looks so reasonable.
Your relationships. You are home but not really there. Your partner feels like a roommate and your kids get the leftover version of you.
Your body. Poor sleep, tension that never lets go, headaches, a drink or two more than you planned.
The good stuff. You miss the dinner, the game, the random Tuesday that turned out to be fun, because your head was somewhere else.
The feelings themselves. They do not go away because you stay busy. They wait.
What Helps
Notice the pull. The next time you reach for the laptop at 8pm, pause for a minute and ask what you were feeling right before.
Practice small amounts of stillness. Ten minutes with no phone and no project. It will feel uncomfortable at first. That is information, not a reason to quit.
Put a name on what is underneath. Anxious, ashamed, sad, lonely, afraid of failing. The more specific, the better.
Tell one person. A friend, your partner, a therapist. One honest sentence about how you are doing.
Pick one hard stop. One evening this week where work is done at a set time, and see what comes up.
Talk to someone. Therapy is a place to figure out what the work has been covering for, with someone who does not need you to be productive. You get to keep your drive.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is working a lot always a problem?
No. Pay attention to how you feel when you stop and what the hours are costing you.
Why do I feel worse when I take time off?
Without the busyness, whatever you have been outrunning finally gets some room. It is common, and it is worth paying attention to.
What if I cannot cut back at work?
You may not have to. Start with small stretches of stillness and get curious about what is under the urge. Understanding it comes before changing it.
Is this the same as workaholism?
They overlap. The label matters less than what the work is doing for you.
If You Are Tired of Staying Busy
If you are ready to figure out what the busyness is covering for, I see men in La Grange, IL and virtually throughout Illinois. Reach out when you are ready to talk it through.